I’ve had a really fucked-up day.I felt like I gave a terribl..

I’ve had a really fucked-up day.

I felt like I gave a terrible performance in The Bog Anthology, the film I’m here in Louisiana to shoot. And, totally out of nowhere, my Reddit page—my biggest traffic source for OnlyFans—was shut down without any warning. I’ve spent years painstakingly building it up, & now it’s just… gone.

I put in a request to have it reviewed, but I know how these things go. Not holding my breath. I have a pretty good idea of how it happened too, & unfortunately, I think it has to do with the clown community on there being mad that adult performers are getting into clowning.

But honestly? What’s hitting me harder is my performance tonight. It’s a fairly small part—& in the past, I stopped taking those because they don’t give me enough to sink my teeth into. No warm-up with the other characters, no chance to get into the swing of things. But this year, I decided to take them back on since, in theory, I can do more films that way.

I worked hard on this script, but I didn’t get to do some of my usual character development process. Still, I felt like I’d arrived at a really sweet, solid character. But when I got on set, I just… couldn’t pull her out. Somehow, I kept missing my cues because things had shifted from the script, & since films aren’t shot in order, everything felt extra jumbled. Communication with the crew & director felt off, & some of the actors were getting things out of order too. Then the director suggested I drop a lot of my exposition, & I was like, NO WAY! I flew all the way here, lost a day of filming, & worked hard on this character—I wanted to do it right.

Nothing felt “right” tonight. The writer (he’s hot) & the crew gave me a lot of compliments, but I felt like they were just being nice. Maybe because I was the most expensive actor on set this week & they felt bad if they were disappointed? I also felt like we needed another take a few times—there was a lot of stepping on each other’s lines. It just didn’t flow the way I’m used to.

I dunno. It might look totally fine in the final cut. That’s happened before—where I felt awkward filming but looked amazing in the finished product. The opposite has happened too, where I thought I gave an inspired performance & then watched it back like… oh. So y’all might not even notice what I was feeling when you see this movie.

I think losing my Reddit page threw me off more than I realized. Finding out I was only getting paid for one filming day instead of two—after already committing to this trip—didn’t help either. I’ve been here since Thursday night, didn’t film Friday, then had to start at midnight tonight (technically Sunday) to shoot my whole scene. Less pay, more stress, & time I could’ve used prepping for my other projects instead. Womp womp.

I just hope the final cut doesn’t look as rushed & disjointed as it felt. The thing about making art is that it rarely goes exactly as planned, but that doesn’t mean it can’t turn out great. Fingers crossed I look like I know what I’m doing.

Also, I never really talk to other actors about this stuff. I’d love to, but I just don’t get the opportunity. I feel like most actors I know have such different processes than me. Plus, I don’t know many who work on screen as often as I do—so maybe locking into a character is easier for them since they aren’t juggling 3 or 4 scripts at a time? Or maybe I’m wrong. I need a support group. Lol.

Maybe this is just a lesson from the universe that maybe small parts just truly don’t work for me & I need to be sure I have time to do ALL of my character development if I want to feel secure in the character? And if that’s the case, I’m fucked on my next two projects because they literally film back to back right after I do Size Con, which I’m supposed to be doing some sort of performance at too. AHHHH!

Anyway, here are me & my friend @mischieftheclown’s tits, as requested, babes. 🥲